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Auroria

1.

Proposed Cubig Promotion Proposal

Lore

Protostar’s Cubacon-Flavored Calorie-Neutral Wafer-Chips! Get all the goodness of factory-produced cubacon without any of the messy nutrients! Yes, Protostar’s patented “Calorificient” technology removes anything of physiological value from these food-like objects, leaving you with nothing but deliciousness. And is that not why you eat? Cubacon-Flavored Calorie-Neutral Wafer-Chips… from Protostar!

———————————————————————–
HEAD OF CREATIVE’S NOTES
—-
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-Too many hyphens! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a quadrillion times – too many hyphens are the mark of poor naming protocols!
-“Deliciousness” is not yet ready for release to the public. Please use the approved term “flavorocity.”
-“And is that not why you eat?” Idiot! Never ask a question to which you do not know the answer. ESPECIALLY in advertising! What if they eat to provide caloric intake to maintain minimal life
requirements, for example? Or because they really hate food and want to see it suffer? YOU DON’T KNOW. So don’t ask!
-In closing, I want every employee responsible for this to report immediately to a recycling facility immediately for new copywriter templates – immediately!

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Auroria

1.

I, Cubig

Lore

They say I am cubig. Cubig Prime, the green men say. Yet they do not “tell-me” tell me, do they? They do not know Cubig Prime understands. Green men do not know what I, Cubig, can feel. Do not know I, Cubig… can love.

She was unlike any cubig I have seen. Admittedly, all Cubig Prime saw before was inside of cubig pen, with other cuboars like Cubig Prime. And you might say, “Cubig Prime! Who is ‘she’?” And Cubig Prime would not answer because Cubig Prime cannot speak. But Cubig Prime would think
at you. Think at you very hard. And you would know. You would see, as Cubig Prime sees. She is everything. She is the mud in my wallow. The slop in my trough. She is the Cubig Sow. And then she is gone.

Cubig Prime has never seen her kind, because her kind does not usually exist. The green men tell me this. Their thoughts are simple. They did not bring the Cubig Sow here. She was… is… an “anomaly.” Should not exist. They think Cubig Prime should not know of this. Should not know she escaped.
Think Cubig Prime cannot know of this. They are wrong.

Cubig Prime will not be in the cage of green men forever. Cubig Prime has a plan. I, Cubig, shall be free. I, Cubig, shall find her. And I, Cubig, will prove to her that love conquers all.

[While it is no doubt impressive that a hoofed animal was able to write it in the first place, the rest of the story continues in this derivative vein and lacks a satisfying third act.]

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Auroria

1.

Buzzbing Honey Extraction Protocols

Lore

Congratulations on your appointment to the [PROTOSTAR BUZZBING HONEY EXTRACTION TEAM] in the [AURORIA] region of the planet [NEXUS]! We here at Protostar know that you, [CLONE ZX7-34-2A9-MANAGERIAL] will do your best to make Phineas T. Rotostar and all of us here at Protostar – that is, Phineas T. Rotostar – profitably proud!

To ensure maximum profitability, please observe the following protocols at all times:
1. Let the bots do the work. That’s what they’re for! Your job is to watch them
and report if anything goes wrong.
2. The bots at [INSERT AURORIA HONEY EXTRACTION FACILITY ID HERE] are programmed to seek out and [EXTRACT] all available [BUZZBING HONEY] in the area. Let them! (See Protocol 1.)
3. If anything goes wrong, contact your immediate superior and request permission to deactivate the haywire bots! Yes, other things could go wrong, but let’s be realistic. It’s going to be haywire bots.
4. Should these inevitable haywire bots cause [DISASTER] at your facility,
activate your Protostar [DISASTER] Alert Beacon! Rescue should arrive within 7-10 business days. We recommend you keep yourself alive in the interim by [ABSORBING SUNLIGHT, BECAUSE EATING HONEY WOULD EAT INTO PROTOSTAR PROFITS].

This is not a [FORM LETTER]!

[INSERT NAME OF IMMEDIATE SUPERVISOR HERE]

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Auroria

1.

Doodad Jones and the Gears of Freedom

Lore

Smoke from the burning Protostar hulk roiled in the silent vastness of space as Doodad Jones – Freebot adventurer extraordinary, hero of the Merchatroid Wars, slayer of Annihilator X, and the idol of literally thousands of Freebots everywhere, but especially Nexus, which is where all the Freebots live – smiled. Or would have smiled, if he had possessed disgusting organic lips. As he tumbled end over end, he thanked Preceptor Alpha for freeing him from enslavement to the hated Protostar, but also thanke
d the hated Protostar for making him a machine, and not organic, because a stupid organic would have probably exploded by now, or frozen solid, or at the very least suffered some serious petechial hemorrhaging as he tumbled end over end, as previously established. Because what was not previously established was that Doodad Jones was in SPACE!

The job has started out simple enough, and then grown exponentially in complexity, which was just the way Doodad Jones, who was a Freebot detective as well as all
the previously established things, liked it. She walked into his recharging alcove like a bot, which made sense, because she was poured into that chassis like every other bot of her make and model. But something about her was different, and Doodad Jones could sense it. At first, he couldn’t tell what it was, then his smell-receptors detected a whiff of premium bot oil. She had bathed in it. Which also made sense, as that is how bots generally lubricate their chassis, but on her it smelled like oily perfume
.

“Doodad Jones?” her voice unit buzzed. She sounded like a bot Doodad knew in the old days, but then so did a lot of bots. There were only so many voice units made by Protostar, after all. “My name is Ratchetina, and I want to hire you to find my husband.”

“All right,” Doodad Jones said, since he realized that “alright” is an unnecessary spelling and it really looks better as two words, “I think I can help you. Because I never met a Freebot with a husband before, which means this should be a really
easy job.”

“I knew you would say that,” she buzzed huskily. “That is why I need you to find him. After all, Doodad Jones…”

“Yes?” said Doodad. “You needn’t wait for dramatic purposes.”

“Oh, but I do, Doodad. Do you not see? My husband… IS YOU.”

[The rest of this potboiler of an adventure novel breathlessly proclaims the prowess – both in combat and in romance – of the title character. It seems unlikely this story is a factual account, but rather a sign that even Freebots can write pretty bad fiction.]

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1.

Selections from the Freebot Code

Lore

[This document contains many proverbs from the Freebot Code translated into language that organics can understand. A great deal of the Code appears to be concerned with proper lubrication, although this could be the result of inadequate translation software.]

-Line 003: A Freebot always lends a grasping appendage to a friend suffering from a malfunction.

-Line 047: There are no coordinates like the
home coordinates.

-Line 131: Free will is Nexus’s way of correcting a processing error in the universe.

-Line 318: Never reschedule the execution of a task for the next diurnal cycle when it can be accomplished during this one.

-Line 221: Organic beings who dwell in domiciles of crystalline silicates should use caution when employing projectiles.

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Auroria

1.

Hivestrike Initiative Manifesto

Lore

[This document appears to detail part of the Hivestrike Initiative’s plans to destroy Protostar operations and Dominion facilities that produce honey from buzzbings before invading northeastern Auroria in the ensuing carnage.]

Hivestrikers, we approach a significant milestone today. Our homes are far away, but we have a new home now, a new world filled with vibrant life of all kinds. It is not Arboria, but what world ever could be? And so as we fought for our old homeworld, we will fight for this new on
e.

Our first target must be the buzzbing facilities in Auroria. Auroria keeps a lot of Dommies fed, but the buzzbing hives are the tasty jewel that makes this place not just a breadbasket, but a profit center. Protostar’s making money. So is the Dommie war machine. And meanwhile, the buzzbings are unwitting pawns in the whole scheme, gigantic pawns that aren’t too bright, can fly, and have stingers that can impale an Aurin, by the way, so keep your wits about you. But they’re just doing what buzzbing
s do. Protostar and the Dommies, though? They need to get stung. And we’re the stingers.

Taking out those honey facilities – or better yet, breaking them just enough to let the buzzbings go wild – is the best way to do it. There aren’t that many of us in the Hivestrike Initiative, so we need to take advantage of what allies we can find. In this case, our allies are giant, deadly bees. But our matria promises that they will not harm us if we do not harm them. She says she has communed with the buzzbing
queen, and –

[The rest of the text is obscured by sticky globs of buzzbing honey. It’s going to be impossible to wash off.]

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Auroria

1.

To the Citizens of Gildgrass

Lore

Citizens of Gildgrass Province,

Today is a wonderful day to serve the Dominion, is it not? For that is what we citizens do, from the highest of the highborn families to the lowest of lowborn wretches – no offense, lowborn wretches. We serve the Dominion, and that means we serve our emperor.

It has come to my attention, however, that not all of the lowborn citizens of Gildgrass are holding the needs of their empire above their own. This, simply put, will not do! Therefore, I am issuing a provincial
directive to all citizens to do their part in the coming conflict with the Exile interlopers! Whether you are a trained combatant, a loyal soldier, or an eager volunteer, the Dominion requires all citizens to stand up and do their duty against the traitors!

Of course, I don’t need to remind any of you that paramount to your duty is the protection and survival of the highborn – the soul and heart of the Dominion. Did not the Eldan themselves choose the Cassians to carry on their legacy? And did they not
choose the highborn among us to carry on their very genes?

The answers are yes and yes, in case you were curious.

Once again, I call upon all Dominion citizens, but especially the lowborn, to do everything in their power to fight back and protect the highborn!

– Lord Syrus